One of my mentees is a college student who wants to improve her leadership skills because, as part of her course and volunteer work, she’s often required to lead team projects. I had her complete an EQ assessment which revealed that she has above-average empathy but low assertiveness. So, in recent conversations, we’ve talked about ways she could use her strength, empathy, to become more assertive.
She feels her lack of assertiveness is situational. As a rotating lead for her class and nonprofit projects, she’s often uncomfortable sharing her thoughts and ideas. But away from the table, she finds it pleasant to engage with her colleagues on a more personal level. I asked if she enjoys what I call “small talk”. Yes, was her response. And like many mutually beneficial mentoring relationships, that led me to examine how empathetic small talk might be a different approach to the struggle some people have with networking or simply making a connection with others. My mentee could use her empathy to create authentic, comfortable connections with her team members when she’s “at the table” as well as in a social setting.
We shouldn’t discount the value of small talk. What a person thinks about something as mundane as the weather or traffic can reveal something about what matters to them. Do they appreciate the rain? Are they impatient with delays? Empathetic people are curious about how others feel about things. An often-overlooked outcome of seaming benign dialog is that it can make a person feel “seen”. And if you are mindful during that small talk about weather or traffic, you may learn that the person you just met appreciates the seasons but can be impatient, creating the opportunity for you to share your perspectives and get more of theirs. Maybe about climate change or what they think about local public transit, continuing the conversation because it’s likely both of you are now curious about the other.
Empathy drives curiosity about others’ experiences and perspectives. Empathetic individuals tend to ask open-ended, thoughtful questions that show genuine interest, which can turn small talk into a richer, more engaging dialogue, even if it leads to a contentious topic.
Small talk with empathy leads to perspective-taking; the willingness to seek understanding about how another person feels about a situation, idea, problem, or opportunity. In the terminology of EQ, this is cognitive empathy, when one thinks about the feelings of another rather than feels them directly. Perspective-talking plays a crucial role in small talk because it allows individuals to genuinely connect with others, even in seemingly trivial exchanges.
Here are other reasons the curiosity of empathy fosters making genuine connection with others.
- Empathy encourages active listening, where you are present and pay full attention to the other person’s words, tone, and body language. This makes the other person feel valued and understood, creating a positive interaction that can lead to deeper conversations.
- Empathy can help you attune to subtle emotional cues, such as a change in tone or facial expression. This allows you to adjust your responses, making the conversation more meaningful and aligned with the other person’s feelings.
- By recognizing and affirming others’ emotions, empathetic people create a safe and supportive environment. Even in casual conversations, this validation can make others feel heard and respected.
- Empathy helps people intuitively adapt their tone, language, and approach to make others feel at ease. This comfort reduces social barriers and makes it easier for both parties to engage in meaningful exchanges even though they may have very different Empathy bridges differences by focusing on shared human experiences. In small talk, this might involve finding common ground or relating to someone’s situation in a way that builds rapport.
- People with high empathy tend to be genuinely curious about others’ lives, experiences, and thoughts. This sincerity encourages others to open up, even in brief conversations.
- Small talk infused with empathy signals trustworthiness. When someone feels understood, they’re more likely to reciprocate with openness, strengthening the connection.
- Empathy helps navigate potentially awkward moments in small talk by focusing on the other person’s comfort and interests. This skill transforms even mundane exchanges into opportunities for connection.
- Empathetic individuals often exude warmth and kindness, which can make even casual conversations uplifting. This positivity draws people in and leaves a lasting impression.
By infusing small talk with empathy, people create interactions that feel authentic and meaningful, even in short exchanges. These connections, however brief, can form the foundation for continued dialog and deeper relationships.
